Fuck buddy, casual sex, friends with benefits. The terms for two people who engage in all the exciting, invigorating and passionate advantages of regular sex, without the woes of commitment, have evolved over the years. But the terms have never really had positive connotations... particularly fuck buddy. If you dare to enter into a ‘no strings attached’ relationship as a woman, there will be at least three assumptions: you secretly want commitment but are settling, you will develop feelings, you don’t value yourself.
But, guess what? Women are completely capable of enjoying a fuck buddy situation without any of the above double-standard-ridden and patriarchal misconceptions being true. In fact, more women than men have sex with a friend with benefits, according to a recent Lovehoney survey.
Although having a fuck buddy can lead to heartbreak and unnecessary drama, a few years ago I began sleeping with a friend. He became my fuck buddy, on and off, for two years. I didn’t get attached, I never lost sleep over what we were, and I never tried to have a serious conversation about where we were heading. I happily explored sex like never before. More than something I wanted; having a fuck buddy became something I never knew I needed.
My fulfilling fuck buddy
I didn’t know sex could feel so lacklustre.
All the movies I’d watched with hot and heavy sex scenes lied to me. It had been about a year since I’d become sexually active, yet I hadn’t experienced any orgasms. Sex almost always hurt . It would always start off good. I'd be aroused and wet enough, so the initial penetration wasn’t the problem. But about 80 per cent of the time, I’d start to dry up after a while as the constant penetration became uncomfortable. But I always stuck it out.
I realise now that it was probably due to a lack of consistent stimulation or just not being as aroused as I thought I was. At the time, I largely perceived penetration as a ‘take this dick’ act, uncomfortable or otherwise. Common language like ‘beat up the pussy’ and ‘break my walls’ didn’t help either.
These less than pleasurable experiences meant I was ready to give up on it altogether. Then I met my fuck buddy.
I had just finished my first year of university and was ready for summer antics. It was one night at a Notting Hill Carnival afterparty that I saw him. We locked eyes and I realised that I recognised him from college, so I approached him. We'd never spoken before, but this familiar ground gave me the comfortability to dance with him all night. After a number exchange, we started talking daily. Then it wasn’t long before we started sleeping together.
The sex was amazing, and not just because I orgasmed for the first time ever with a partner. He also helped me to get out of my comfort zone by suggesting and trying new things. We experimented with sex toys for the first time, recorded ourselves during sex and experimented outside of the bedroom.
We took the time to really learn about each other’s bodies. He was vocal, so I became vocal. He sent nudes, so I sent nudes. Yet, I never felt like I had to do anything just because he was, I just wanted to.
The key difference between previous partners and my fuck buddy was prolonged foreplay. I didn’t realise how important it was until then. Extended foreplay kept me aroused and I was ready and comfortable enough for penetration. I thought to myself, this is what sex is supposed to feel like.
We were fuck buddies for two years, which according to Lovehoney is the most popular period for a woman’s friends with benefits situation.
Admittedly, several months in I did wonder whether I could see myself in a serious relationship with this man. After some time weighing up his pros and cons and evaluating our supposed compatibility on a romantic level, I knew that a serious relationship wasn’t for us - and he knew that too. We actually didn’t have a lot in common nor did we take the time to properly get to know each other by going out on dates or spending quality time together without sex.
This realisation helped me to understand that not everyone is a potential boyfriend and a casual relationship can be more beneficial than a serious one in certain circumstances.
Why my fuck buddy situation worked
I realise my situation and positive experience is quite unique, so I spoke to sex and relationship therapist Emese Taylor to find out why it worked. “Before, you were just a servant to [other people’s] sexual needs,” she says. “You had pain during intercourse, and you weren’t really enjoying it or aroused. You hadn’t had much experience before to know your own body. The reason why it worked for you [with your fuck buddy] was because your wall was down."
She says this changed something in me. “Because he was open, you were able to be open and feel comfortable enough to say what was right and wasn’t for you. You weren’t worried about what he was going to think because it was just a casual relationship. If you decided to stop seeing him tomorrow, that wouldn’t be an issue,” she adds.
In hindsight, I realise communication was definitely a huge part of the reason why my fuck buddy and I were both always satisfied. Clear communication was also the reason why I squirted for the first time with him.
To this day, I value and uphold clear and frequent communication during sex and speak openly with any partners I have. If something doesn’t feel right, stop. If it hurts, say something. It might sound like common sense, but it isn’t always easy to speak up during sex or say no. Therefore, it was a much-needed learning experience for me.
Casual sex isn’t for everyone
Emily*, a consultant from London, describes the brief period when she was seeing someone. They weren’t on the same page; he wasn’t ready for a relationship and she wanted more but would frequently find herself at his place after a night out. “I settled for the bare minimum because I thought it made me feel something,” she says. “Feeling something for a short period of time felt like a better option than feeling nothing at all. Casual sex should only be for people who want casual sex, not for people who think it’s all they can ask for from someone.”
Delilah*, a personal trainer from London, also shares the same sentiments. Her first friends with benefits situation ended because she thought she caught romantic feelings and didn’t feel ready to go back to a relationship. However, upon hindsight, she realises what she felt was just lust. “The mindset you need to be in [for casual sex] is that you’re either not looking for a relationship and working on yourself and know that no one will change that,” she adds.
Casual sex worked for me because I was openminded to it. I stopped seeing sex as a necessary act only if I wanted to date someone, and began actually enjoying it with limited expectations.
After two years, my fuck buddy and I mutually decided to end the relationship once my sexual needs developed. And, while it still took some unlearning on my part, I now 100 per cent know to never sacrifice my pleasure to benefit another person ever again.
*Names have been changed
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