Love Is Positive Freedom So Feel Free

Source: Jill Wellington/Pixabay

As a couple therapist, I rarely talk about love in the clinic. I talk about communication, conflict, sex, children, lies, affairs, trauma, anger, aggression, but not love. Then in a Q&A session in Montreal, someone asked me, "What is love?” and I found myself answering intuitively “love is freedom.”

Love is the positive freedom to playfully bring your self-states together with your shadow, within the creative limitations of a committed, intimate relationship.

I will now break down this definition to its components.

Positive Freedom

Positive freedom, as defined by Isaiah Berlin, is living according to your own values and restraint that you take upon yourself in order to live according to your truth. This is in contrast to the concept of negative liberty, which refers to the absence of constraints when you’re free to do whatever you want, without anyone telling you what to do or not to do.

Play

Play is the lubricant of life. Play gives joy and meaning to all we do. Play uses our full brain capacity and signals to our body that we are not in survival mode. In play, we are less rigid and able to take responsibility over our part of the dynamic and creatively move through conflicts.

Self-states

This concept relates to the different parts we all have inside ourselves. The more self-states we bring to a relationship, the more self-states our partner will bring forth to the encounter. This will result in a fuller, more vital, and richer relationship.

Shadow

The shadow represents all the parts of yourself that you think are negative and subsequently deny, avoid, or act out. For example your anger, greed, vulnerability, eroticism, and judgment. By verbalizing your shadow, you are also helping to heal your own shame, as the antidote for shame is connection. I’ve expanded this point in my post, If You Really Want to Feel Loved, Show Them Your Shadow!

Law of creative limitation (Mckee)

It may seem counter-intuitive, but we are more creative when we have boundaries, because we are forced to think more openly, focus, and improvise when there are fewer possibilities available.

When you commit to a partner, you take upon yourself the subsequent constraints and limitations which involve financial, emotional, sexual, logistical, social, and ethical constraints.

While these restrictions may prevent you from doing whatever you want whenever you want (such as flying on a moment’s notice to Spain), they also may enable you to look deep into the everyday nature of routine to discover the hidden gems of daily life. These limitations (positive freedom) demand that you be even more open, precise, spontaneous, improvisational, and hopeful.

Commitment

This relates to a conscious decision to "stick with it" and give your relationship a real chance. In a world where everything is disposable and replaceable, with an overflow of dating apps, divorce rates that are higher than ever, commitment (through marriage or not) is the true counter-cultural revolution. Commitment blocks quick exits and forces growth. It forces you to improvise creative ways to evolve and mature.

Intimacy

Intimacy is feeling, together. This is when both partners are open, receptive, and feeling. But at the same time, they don’t have to feel the exact same feeling (which would be symbiosis); they just need to be present with each other. I’ve expanded this point in the post The Art of Intimacy.

Relationship

In systematic therapy, a relationship is a pattern maintained by two partners over time. This systemic circular outlook gives both parties full agency and responsibility of the reality of the relationship. You can read more about the systematic nature and possible change within relationships here.

Many people and couples are scared to express themselves fully in their relationships because they are afraid their partner won’t like what is revealed. So they end up walking on eggshells around their partner with little authenticity, freedom, or vitality.

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Benefits of aiming for this definition of love

Seeing love as positive freedom does incur the risk the of more conflicts with your mate. But should your partner choose to participate in this new freedom, you will discover certain benefits.

• Freedom. You can speak your mind and be yourself.
• Minimized shame. Shame is fueled by secrets. The more you share, the less shame you will feel.
• Honest direct communication. Since there is an openness, criticism and conflicts can be addressed directly and without much time and energy consuming drama.
• Generosity of spirit. This open playful honesty is the antidote to bookkeeping.
• Less relational anxiety. Since you are not holding back or repressing your feelings, you feel lighter, more present, and open.
• A playful, curious and generative relationship.

How to move toward this definition of love?

1. Share this post with your partner. Discuss what your current definitions of love are. You might be surprised.
2. Write down as many of your self-states as you can think of. Circle the ones that you would like to bring more often to your relationship.
3. Experiment with playfully bringing those self-states to the encounter. Do it in small portions, allowing your partner to slowly become familiar with these new aspects of yourself. Keep it playful, so if there is any pushback, you won’t be insulted and retreat back to walking on egg-shells.
4. Prepare your partner to not react or block what you are sharing, but to let it land. Remind them that they are not responsible for your feelings, and so they do not need to be defensive.
5. Dare to share. Experiment with verbalizing some of your criticism regarding your partner. Try to gently and playfully share things that disturb you in this relationship and in their behavior.
6. Keep coming out with your truth. Repeat playful sharing, until it becomes less surprising and threatening to you both.
7. Don’t lose hope with the inevitable ruptures these truths will bring.
8. Create a culture where faults are welcome. Since you both are not perfect, enjoy discovering more aspects of each other. After all, curiosity is the antidote to judgment.
9. Stay playful and curious about each other. Ask questions, try to see them with fresh eyes, and enjoy the little, idiosyncratic peculiarities that only you know.

If you dare to love openly, you will experience a deeper sense of freedom and intimacy.